Well.. where the fuck do I start? Hmm.. My good mood was killed yesterday. Amp got grounded until next Tuesday. Let me tell you I was not thrilled about that one. He got caught stealing ciggarettes from his mom. So I'm trying to quit. I really want to. That's how my day after school started. I argued with him. I felt really bad after the fact. I guess I let it get the best of me. There's just been alot wrong lately. My mom and Tim are just sickening. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I just don't. I feel like leaving. Sometimes I question whether I should go back with my dad. Or will I regret it like I did last time? Would he even take me back is the question. That was just a really bad time in my life. I walked out of 6 months in hell with my dad, into 16 months with Harry. Of me constantly being grounded and confined to just homework and books. I know my friends stuck around. Most of them I'm not even friends with anymore. But Kelly Sue and Ashley were the ones that were there for me then. I'm just feeling like I did before I moved in with my dad last time. I moved because all me and my mom did was fight. And thats what it is now. But I think about it, and I have too much to leave behind. To be taken from. Jeannie, Amp, knowing that my best friends live right up the street, my mom when she's being cool, knowing that I wouldn't have the privleges I do now, and knowing that I'm thirty minutes away from the people who mean the most to me. I just wish me and my dad had a closer relationship sometimes. That I'm not so terrible in his eyes. As much as I bitch about hating him, I love him. Regardless of how many times he's told me he'd wished I was never born, or how I'm a fuck up or how I don't care. I just wish he understood all the things I go through. But I can't tell him. I'll just get critisized for it in the end. My dad looks at me as money he has to dish out throughout the year but gets paid back for it with his income tax. I'm a fucking check to him. He looks at me and gets dollar signs in his eyes. Either out of spite because I need something or out of happiness because he got reinstated for it. He'll never know though. I don't tell my dad I love him. I don't think he deserves it. I've gave him all I got and I have nothing left. But to sit and listen to what he has to downgrade me about. But I love him so much and I just wish he could understand that. Now with my mom I just feel like shooting my head off my shoulders. She makes me fucking sick. The past four days have been her and Tim fighting and the next day being best friends. She takes everything out on me and Jeannie and I'm fucking sick of it. I blew a fucking gasket last night and this morning. I can't fucking take it. A majority of my day yesterday consisted of me bawling my eyes out. I just feel lately I've been dealt too much. I don't know. I should just swallow it and take it. This morning in the car she was pissing me off so bad I could've smashed her head through the fucking winshield. I just kept telling her I didn't do anything. She said I never do housework and I told I would start when Tim did. I don't think its fair that I have to wash their dirty ass clothes and wash their saliva off of dishes but they never pay me the favor of doing it back. One day I get off track okay fuck me. I'm sorry. I can't keep apologizing for things I don't do. Face it mother fucker I'm not perfect. I'm so far from it. And I never will be. I've never tried to be either. So now me and Jeannie just sit and bitch to each other about all this shit. My mom called me a fucking bitch today. And I fucking hate being called a bitch. She just kept drilling it into my head. All of this shit in a 15 minute car ride. But I didn't cry until Amp got out of the car. Cause then she started with the hurtful shit. About how I don't care about anything. I'm useless and lazy. No one likes me because I have a bad attitude. Well fucking shame on me okay? So no one fucking likes me? Okay then how the fuck is it I have 10 times as many friends as you do and they don't stand me up for drugs? My mom will never get it until Tim leaves. Then she'll apologize for everything he ever put us through. Just like she's done with every other guy. I'm sick of hearing your apologies. I don't even want to accept them anymore. I was sitting in my room bawling my eyes out when we got home this morning and she came in and she's like I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I was like okay but I don't think I'm the only one who deserves one and I looked over at Jeannie. And my mom told her sorry and Jeannie didn't say anything. My mom blames her attitude on bills and her car. That's not my fault. I haven't asking her for money lately. Accept for my cell phone because I wouldn't have the same number. Thats it. I know its tough for her. She supports 4 kids. cause Tim is the 4th. She told me that when I turn 18 I can get the fuck out and support myself. And I was like then tell your drunken buddy Tim that shit too. Why can't he do it? She doesn't love him. And I know I sure as hell don't. No one likes him. I don't fucking blame a soul either. He's a worthless piece of rotting, drunken trailor trash shit. But last night I stayed up til like 2 with Jeannie. She wrote my mom a note and I wrote one to Amp. the basic sappy shit that no one wants to hear. And I just had to get it out. Everyone that knows me, know that I'm better with words on paper than I am speaking them. They just don't come out the same. There's just a bunch of shit I don't even want to deal with anymore. I feel like dying. I just haven't been me. And I don't think thats fair to anybody. That they have to deal with my phoniness and me in general. I'm just what my dad says, a mistake. Or at least I've been feeling like that lately. I just don't want to be a victim to my moms, dads, or anyones shit anymore. I don't want to play the sympathy card either. I don't want pity from people because of the shit that's happened to me. Which by the way is enough to last me a lifetime. There's just been alot of shit me and Jeannie have went through that some people don't even go through in thier lifetimes. How many people do you know who have an autistic sister? Or have your dad tell you how worthless you are every chance he gets? Or have an aunt who drinks rubbing alcohol to get a buzz cause she couldn't afford vodka this week? Or have your mom addicted to pain killers? Or your dad be a fucking pothead with an asshole for a wife? But one good thing came out of him and laurie. I got nicole. And I'd do it all over again if I knew she would come out of it my sister. And something else has been wearing on my mind. Non stop. Kelly, Leaving. I don't know if I can do it. We're coming up on two months. She is such an amazing person and I don't know what I'm gonna do knowing she's not up the street anymore. Knowing that she's 10 some odd states from me. I'm gonna miss that girl more than anyone would ever know. She's been there through all of this shit every everything thats ever happened to me. So has Sue. Those two mean the whole fucking world to me. And I owe both of them apologies for not being there. And being a bitch and just everything I've ever done to them that has hurt them in the slightest bit. They are both so great and they'll never know how much it means to me. Ever ever. Well I think I'm done spilling my guts for now. It's just shit i had to get off my chest. Keep it real
SKATE OR DIE BITCHES
"And I'd give up forever to touch you cause I know that you feel me somewhere you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't wanna go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment....And I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am" -The Goo Goo Dolls (Iris)
